| ANOTHER AUTO DRAFT |
[06 Aug 2009|04:38am] |
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER AUTO DRAFT ENTRY FROM BACK IN... WHENEVER SPRING SEMESTER STARTED (JANUARY? MAYBE). I HAVE NO IDEA JUST WANTED TO POST FOR RECORD. I CAN'T BELIEVE SOME OF THE SHIT I WOULD START WRITING JUST TO COME BACK MONTHS LATER TO FIND IT STILL HERE.
Fall 2008 Semester Grades
MAT108 - Topics in Math: B
SPA101 - Beginning SpanishI: B
CMN111 - Human Communication: A
HPE111 - Living with Health: A
PSY101 - Intro Psychology: B
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Spring 2009 Semester Schedule
MAT120 - Math for Liberal Arts
SPA102 - Beginning SpanishII
PHI102 - Philosophy
PSY210 - Abnormal Psychology
Classes have been good thus far. I have already watched a video from the 1940's with insulin shock therapy and a lobotomy. Abnorm Psych will probably be my favorite class this semester and Philosophy will most likely be second.
I was going to get a job as a Police Dispatcher for Princeton Township Police Department but I seem to have gotten a better offer in a completely different field... a medical enviornment. I can choose between a Teachers Assistant and Mental Health Technician. Both very different jobs but I'd be working with teens undergoing psychotherapy, behavior treatment, and addiction counseling. The TA position deals with students who have drug problems, personality disorders, some have been kicked out of regular schools and whose parents can't handle them at home, etc. The kids live on site and then attend school on site. The Technician position deals with the same type of teens, since I'd be working in the Adolescent Unit, but this r
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| unexpected. |
[27 Jan 2009|10:29pm] |
so much as happened.
sean and i no longer go out. i have been dreading changing my relationship status to "single" on facebook because it will alert everyone and i know i'm going to get a million questions that i don't know if i can deal with right now. we haven't been together for the past month. the only reason i'm writing it here is so i can reflect on this stupid shit later on and because i know that not many people read this.
i went to pick him up from the airport december 19th and i was so happy. i thought things were great. then a few days later while he was home on leave, i found out from his battle buddies that he had been cheating on me since november with an unattrative and unintelligent girl he met in the army. they said they knew the whole time and saw what was happening but they didn't think it was their place to tell me... but they said they knew i how good i was to him and they couldn't take his lies anymore... that i had a right to know. she lives three hours away from here in the middle of no where, new york. they are "dating" now despite the fact that they know nothing about each other and they said "i love you" the day they met. extremely awkward and quite immature. i hear that from other people i talk to. i'm friends with his friends out on the military base and they tell me how stupid they both are, how their relationship reminds them of freshman in high school, and how he made the biggest mistake of his life. he doesnt hang out with his battle buddies anymore either. quite sad. they have to watch his back in combat and the girl he "loves" has failed so many tests that she got recycled to another unit and now has to stay an extra month... kind of like getting held back a grade. if i were him, i'd pick my battle buddies to save my ass instead of someone who stares blankly at a piece of paper all day.
when i confronted sean about it, he yelled at me, threw shit at the wall, threatened to call the cops on me just for being in front of him. i never raised my voice and i never raised my hand to him or anything else. i thought he was going to hit me at one point. his sister carrie, his two brothers matt and chris, and ed were all there at the house. all i could do was sit in the corner and cry. for the first time they all saw his temper and how bad he treated me. i couldn't control my shaking. i was terrified but i was happy i wasn't alone. they hugged me, apologized for everything, said how much they love me. my world crashed around me within a matter of seconds.
his family is really mad at him and so is mine. they had to know eventually so when it came out, they all wanted to smack him upside his empty head. its clear to me that sean doesn't respect me, himself, his friends, his family, or even his new girlfriend. i didn't know they were dating at the time, because he never told me, and we hooked up... so he's already cheated on her too. he talks to me almost on a daily basis still yet he keeps me a secret from her. he lies to his battle buddies, lies to her. i don't understand. he isnt the guy he used to be. i know when he comes home for good, which is in less than a month, he will be all over me again. i'm not going to be the second girl. i'm not going to be the first girl either. i made the decision to be done. he told me he still has feelings for me and that i'm still his best friend. it makes me sick to my stomach to think hes doing this to someone else and thinks he can get away with doing it to me again. i never thought he would ever be this type of person. i pinch myself sometimes. i have a hard time grasping the reality of it all. he later admitted that he cheated on me a total of six times in the almost three years we were dating. horrible. horrible. i know i made a mistake with heroin however i took the steps to be honest and get help. i can't compare the two but he uses my addiction as reason for his actions even though most of his bad behavior occured previous to the drug incident. he does this to blame me. i don't buy it.
i spent several hundred dollars on his christmas presents. not to mention i bought him the new 8G ipod nano back in october. he did not get me a 20th birthday present and actually forgot my birthday at that. nor did he get me anything for christmas. he didn't get his family anything either. then i discovered he got his new girl a nice present. all of these things are just showing his character and it hurts more and more to watch him slip backwards. he was so smart, so kind, so funny, so many things i loved about him... he just shit them all away. his battle buddies tell me that he doesnt even care about the military anymore either. he lets his uniform get fucked up, doesnt pay attention in class, shows no care for anything or anyone else. they say it makes them feel sick too. it comforts me to know i am not the only one.
at first i cried every day for two weeks. i did not eat for two weeks. i slept on the floor in my sisters room for two weeks because i didn't want to be alone. i did nothing for two weeks except stay in my house. i didn't smoke two weeks either. nothing. i couldn't drive, couldn't go anywhere. i was so scared, so paranoid, so... i dont even know. i was just a complete mess. miserable. finally i took down all the pictures, got his clothes, stuffed animals, all his letters from basic.. bagged them all up and they are waiting for when he returns. speaking of which, his letters from basic-- i pulled them out and i read them overr to him as a reminder. i seriously thought maybe he just forgot what he said/felt? i was desperate for any explaination. i let ed and his family read them too. the letters say how much he loves me and wants to get an apartment with me as soon as he comes home; how he wants to marry me, have children, raise a good family, and be with me forever; how i'm the only one who understands him and i'm the only reason he made it through basic training; how thinking of me every day got him through their ruck marches, gas chamber drills, etc; how he cries at night sometimes and how he cries when he reads my letters; how he's sorry for all the things hes done, and he never wants us to be apart. his letters were beautiful. maybe i shouldn't have shared them with anyone else but i needed someone else to see with their own eyes what he said. when they read the letters, their mouths dropped. part of me wants to keep the letters for proof. i could scan them but for what? i know what he said to me and he knows what he said to me. all he did was sit there and say, "i know, liz. i know." obviously he doesnt... but if he actually does, again, only proves how cruel he is. that is why i'm going to give them back. perhaps he will read them over on his own time. i want nothing to do with this anymore.
i truely think part of him is afraid of growing up. hes regressing to old behaviors and patterns from the past. immature relationships, petty lies, poor attitude, not doing homework, not caring about class, pretending to be someone else. all the things he promised me were "when i come back." that was sneaking up on him. getting an apartment, living together, all to be happening really soon. it is so much easier for him to live at home in the same slump, put off going back to college, and continue working and getting minimal wage at the gas station. before the army was "to better both of our lives and prepare for our futures together" and now i only see that it was a waste of our time because not only did i wait six months to find out he was going to leave me, but he is not going to do anything with his military training. he has no plan for himself anymore. whoever brainwashed him did a decent job. congratulations. you can have him.
my heart and my head is somewhat still invested in him. hes been my friend for six years... best friend for four years... and boyfriend for three. he is not much of a friend, best friend, or boyfriend anymore. i'm trying my best to detach and let go. its hard but i'm doing alright. my situation sucks but i don't blame anyone. this girl knew about me the entire time yet she still persued sean. in fact, she had a boyfriend she cheated on too. once a cheater, always a cheater? could be said for both of them i suppose. the lies are never ending. like i said, i don't blame her, i don't blame myself, and honestly, i dont know if i can blame him either. sure, everyone makes mistakes, but ugh, i don't know. i would rather have this happen to me now than be engaged to him and find out things like this. i've come to find after being weak for so long, that i have turned out to be a decently strong willed girl. i have good people around me now. i'm getting by and thats what is most important.
our situation does get much more complicated as i have... well... i'm not sure i want to put that information out. as of right now, although he has feelings for me, this new situation, depending how it plays out, could make him attached to me whether he wants to be or not... for a very long time. things were still a little uncertain and i guess thats all i am willing to say at this point.
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[27 Jan 2009|10:27pm] |
THIS ENTRY WAS WRITTEN DECEMBER 11, 2008. IT AUTO SAVED MY DRAFT AND I DECIDED TO POST IT FOR MYSELF.
back in the day, students from other classes always had to make cards (which always took up 3 days of religion class) for the ones making their confirmation. i distinctly remember my card being on red construction paper, folded uneven. ryan derby made my card. he was a slobby boy but he had extremely neat handwriting. it read in cursive, "god will guide you down the paths of life. choose the right one. bless you." i laughed when i read it because thats something my grandma would say, not an 11 year kid who always got in trouble for shooting rubberbands at the back of people's heads. i still have the card shoved away in a scrapbook somewhere. i still have a lot of letters certain people wrote me. i have all the pictures bean colored for me. i have the birthday cards i got sophomore year from vil, ed, and a bunch of other people i can't think of. bean decorated my locker. i still have the magnets. and the funny card from becca. that was also the same time that garrett dow, andrew smith, and vince herebe were simulatniusly in love with me. what a year that was. i'm surprised how much of it i remember but its odd... the things that pop into my head.
i don't know how i ended up here. part of me wishses i didnt laugh at the card ryan made me. i fucked up big time. i didn't choose the right path but i don't know if there was really ever one to choose from. i think they were both bad and i just had to pick one or the other. if not, i'd be standing still. i guess i'd rather be headed down a destructive path than headed no where at all. at least then i'm learning something... even if its what not to do. never in a million years would i have thought i would be like this at 20. i never thought i would have gone through half the shit i endured. the majority of it was self inflicted and brought upon by my own actions. i would say that it was poor judgement, however, i was fully aware of my decision and its consequences.
a lot of my relationships with people have grown stronger and a lot of my relationships with others havee grown farther apart. some of it is a direct result from drugs. no one wants to be friends with a heroin addict. no one wants to let someone into their house when they are doing a line of coke off their bathroom sink. no one wants to drive with someone in fear they will nod out at the wheel. no one wants to hang with someone who has an 11:30am-11:30pm buzz. no one wants to talk to someone who is self centered enough to do all the above. i don't blame anyone for disliking me or my actions, but this has tested who my real friends are.
its officially 8 days until sean comes home.
my eyes are heavy. im tired. i'm too exhausted that i can't fall asleep.
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| if you got a good one, put your hands up |
[16 Oct 2008|02:05pm] |
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music |
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angel - natasha bedingfield |
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math test i didn't study for: 80%
psych test i didn't study for: 77%
human communications intro speech, 5 minutes of bullshit: A
spanish presentation, 5 minutes of bullshit: A
health test i didn't study for: __%
i'll be taking this test today.
i fall asleep in every single one of my classes.
i can't stay awake and i'm not even on drugs anymore.
i want to care about school but i just don't. i don't put effort into anything. when i'm not sleeping in class, i'm either talking, laughing or acting dumb-- all the things that used to piss me off about other students, "here i am trying to learn and everyone else is being loud and distracting. pay attention, damn it." i probably look so stupid almost falling out of my chair, hitting my head on the wall, and drooling on myself; and i'm sure that i am annoying to some people because i'm always talking or cracking up. despite not being awake 75% of the time, i've realized that i am having fun and i am enjoying life. i love watching the police acedmy at mercer and talking to the instructors. when i see a recruiter in uniform, i talk to them. i have made a lot more friends in my classes, other military servers, police officers, emts, girls just like me. when i see certain people i know, i don't blow them off, i stop to talk. yesterday i stopped and talked to a bunch of guys wo yelled "HEY! ITS MRS CALHOUN" normally, i would just smile and keep walking but i didn't, i talked. i'm proud of myself. i don't always initiate conversation but i am getting better.
i miss sean and i still count the days until he is home for break.
my biggest problem is dealing with my emotions. when i'm sad, holy shit. i don't like it. when i'm angry, i'm cursing and screaming as loud as i can and damn, my attitude is horrible. i'm a flat out bitch. when i'm happy, i'm loud, talkative, and i feel like i could do anything. i'm still adjusting to all of this. they all feel so extreme to me. i'm not used to feeling any of my feelings so these past couple months have been a new learning experience.
i am somehow liking life.
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[08 Oct 2008|09:19pm] |
i have not been on here since my last entry which was over two months ago. i logged into my myspace for the first time in a a little over a month too. i have used my computer for school work and not much else.
with the xm/sirius merger, nearly 20 employees in farmington hills were laid off. within the coming weeks of september, recruiting had come to a complete stop. after class, i went to work and got a surprise visit from the head of human resources. when i passed jason's office i noticed he was at lunch. i soon found out that he wasn't. his board was empty, the walls completely bare, pictures gone, calendar, everything. gone. gone. gone. i knew it was coming. they called me in, shut the door, smiled sympatheticly but their eyes spoke lies. "liz, you know that this has nothing to do with you. in result of the merger, we are letting you go. we do not want to, you are an excellent asset to this company and you exceeded the job description." if they said anything after that, i have no idea what. i had to pack up my cube immediately, hand in my id and leave. i felt like a criminal. i did not get to formally say goodbye to my boss or anyone else. this past week i found out that 20 engineers got laid off in my office. security was brought, the guys flipped. i'm happy jay and i caught it early instead of being on the fence. there will be more lay offs coming up for the marketing department. its so sad to hear about everyone. i truely loved my job at sirius and i got amazing experience, good references, free radios, great money, new friends, and the title of recruiting coordinator. as of now, i am looking into atrium, which is a temp/perm staffing agency in princeton. we worked with them sometimes to fill our jobs so they are aware of everything that has happened here. i would love to work at atrium but if that does not work, i may have them try to find me something like they do for their clients. i am in no rush but i am serious about getting another good job. i have bills to pay and i am saving as much as i can for the upcomming years.
i have been sick, i think with the flu. i missed some classes because i literally could not drive for fear of falling asleep at the wheel. since last wednesday, i've only slept about an hour per night, if that. my body ached and i felt like i was submerged in wet cement, unable to move. i had every symptom of withdraw. thankfully unlike withdraw, i have had chills and a fever that regestered on a thermometer. i have not had the sweats and i have maintained somewhat of an appetite. i am greatful that also unlike withdraw which lasts three weeks or longer, my illness has only lasted 7 days. at first i found all of this very unfair. how could it be that when i am clean, i feel the same shit that i tried so hard to beat? i was very bitter with being sick and feeling a withdraw that i was not actually going through.
now that i am physically feeling better, i am also feeling better mentally. i needed to realize the trickery and stick it out. i have been getting out of my house more. i've been doing things with my family, i've been hanging out with friends, making plans. i am not falling asleep as much in class anymore, i've been trying to stay on top of my school work. i have to do good.
it is already october and the weather is getting cooler. i am enjoying the fall a lot. i am also counting the days until sean comes home for break. he graduated basic training in missouri as second class private. his dad went out for the ceremony and spent time with him. he did send pics in his class a uniform. he looks amazing. i cried. i am so proud of him. all the pt and shit has paid off. his arms are much bigger, he looks older, and he even sounds more mature. he has changed and i love him more than ever. sean can come home for thanksgiving but it would only be four days, which will be eaten up with traveling from arizona, where he now is for ait. plus, tickets are so expensive and christmas isn't too far away so he will take the two week break instead. 70 days until his visits. i cannot wait to just jump on him in the airport and feel his arms around my waist. i miss him so fucking much its just insane.
i talk to sean lot now though. his battle buddies are hilarious and they're crazy! he says being in a room with 50 guys morning and night makes ait like boarding school and he enjoys it. i'm very happy that he has good friends and i hope he will stay in touch with some of them after ait. they like sean. he was team leader in basic, and it seems like they have their fellowship bonding them together. eating, sleeping, going to class, playing football, doing drills, pt, getting smoked... they do everything together. i am kind of jealous of that military bond. the guys are usually shouting funny things at me when we are on the phone. i hope that i will get to meet some of them. the military is very different and i can't help but be drawn to it. everything i have seen and heard makes me want to know more. i'm lucky that i get to see this side of it but part of me wants to be there experiencing it all. i still pray that sean wont be shipped out. i have a new respect, an odd understanding. my heart aches. sometimes i get a twinge in the pit of my stomach that makes me sick and excited at the same time. i try not to be selfish. they are serving our country. i am both greatful and proud.
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| We officially merged |
[29 Jul 2008|11:02am] |
( Read more... )
Free radio is now trying to form a lawsuit for whatever reason. I don't think they really have a case so it will probably be thrown out of court but who knows.
I don't know what any of this means for me yet. I'm not sure if I'll get to keep my job. If I do, thats great, I love it here. If I don't, I'll have to accept it. I know I had an amazing experience here, not to mention I get to keep my free radio. I hope to stay here and I'm sure I'll find out soon.
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| i was made for chasing dreams |
[17 Jul 2008|12:20pm] |
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mood |
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"believe" - staind |
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well, sean left tuesday. although they weren’t great, the “surprise” parties were still a success and that’s all that matters. we all walked away with pictures and memories. sean came to visit me at work before he was leaving. he held me for a long time in the parking lot and i didn’t want to let go. it just felt so good to be in his arms. i didn’t cry and i was really proud of myself for that. we said our goodbyes then he went home to finish packing. his recruiter picked him up then he stayed in some hotel in nyc so they could keep track of everyone and get them rounded up before they leave. i’m sure they didn’t want anyone dipping. they were bussed out to newark airport yesterday. we texted and talked before he got on his flight and i couldn’t help but cry then. i am just sad. sean arrived in st. louis around 7pm. i got one last text around 9 saying he loves me, then i knew he finally got to fort leonard wood and that communication was officially cut off. i will be checking my mail for his letters and will relay news on to others. ive been reading journals from soldiers in basic training. it is so intense. i feel bad for sean but this is something he wanted to do and we will both be better for it. i am going to save up my money to go out to missouri for family day/his graduation ceremony in september. i talked to seans dad yesterday too, we had a good conversation, much needed. i’m happy we had it. ive been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off everything. i miss him so much already. i love him to death so its normal to have heart ache. i’m trying to be positive and remind myself itll be over soon and i’ll get to see him in a little bit… and how great its going to be when we first see each other again, how physically and mentally strong he’ll be, how grateful, polite and respectful… all those things the military does to a man. he will be surprised when he sees me too. i’m going to let my hair grow out, not cutting it, plus i’ve started working out again, more intensely so I hope to look much better for his return. itll be great and i can’t wait. if we can get through this, we can get through anything. that day though, i cannot wait for the day i get to see him again. absence makes the heart grow fonder.
something interesting:
my parents received an invitation to my dad’s coworker’s wedding. matt is getting married next month in connecticut at the spa at norwich inn. very nice place. i’d love to go. after skimming the invitation, i remembered that my boss, sharon, in new york is also getting married in connecticut next month. jason and i joked about crashing her wedding and stuff. i looked over the invitation again and saw “RSVP to mr. and mrs. wolfe” then I saw “sharon and matthew’s wedding.” i practically fell of the couch! my dad’s cowoker is getting married to my boss in nyc! i IMed her yesterday and said congratulations on your upcoming wedding, blah blah blah, then i told her that their invitation came in the mail at my house and she said, “OMG you’re bob matthews’s daughter?! i can’t believe it! matt is going to flip! i’ve been hearing about your dad for years…” hahahahah! this shit is just too fucking hilarious. what are the odds of my dad being good friends with my boss’s fiancee? we’ve known matt pretty long and he was dating sharon at that time as well, we just had no idea that she would end up being my supervisor. now i feel like we have a weird connection. i don’t know if my rents are going attend their wedding… they’d have to drive to norwich, pay for a hotel for three days minimum, all after we come back from vacation. its selfish, but i want them to go so i can see pictures and hear about everything.
system of a down just came on my satellite radio and i can't help but think of sean. it so weird not having him around. he's the one going through training, not me, basic plus heartache. i have it easy compared to him. i only have one. these few months will be hard but well worth it. i'm just going to start doing things for myself. i need to do some self-rewarding, and i need to get out a little more and be more independent. when he comes back ill be an improved liz. i am excited to show him who i'm going to become. thats about all that has been going on in my life. everything else has pretty much been the same except my minor changes here and there. i feel like i'm growing up a lot and dealing with life better. ive also been more social than i've ever been, talking to more people at work, school, and when i'm around other people i don't open up to. my goal this summer and before seans return is to become more extraverted. so far so good.
depite my lonliness, sadness, and worry for sean, i am considerably happy and dealing well. i guess that is all i really have to add.
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| DOPE |
[05 Jul 2008|09:30pm] |
HORSE OF COURSE
OH, NO BABY
THIS IS MUCH WORSE
A WHILD BEAST
SURGING THROUGH MY BODY
SHE WONT STOP
NO, NOT FOR ANBODY
WHEN
THEY TRIED TO TAKE HER AWAY
I REFUSED TO LET HER GO
ILL BE WITH HER EVERYDAY
AND I WONT LET THEM KNOW
SO
I KEEP HER IN A SAFE PLACE
WHERE NO ONE ELSE CAN FIND
I KNOW HOW MUCH THEY HATE HER
BUT I CANT LEAVE HER BEHIND
WHEN
I BRING HER OUT TO RUN
SHE RACES THROUGH MY VEINS
IT ONLY TAKES ONE LINE
TO ELIMINATE THE PAIN
SHES
A WHILD BEAST
SURGING THROUGH MY BODY
SHE WONT STOP
NO, NOT FOR ANBODY
HORSE OF COURSE
OH, NO BABY
THIS IS MUCH WORSE
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[24 Jun 2008|11:26am] |
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jumper - third eye blind |
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i am changing. small things that will make a big difference down the road. i really had to sit down alone and think. spending that time inside my head helped me to see it. so far so good.
my sisters graduation was horrible. i don't know if it was just where we were sitting or what but it sucked. it seemed like everyone got to have a great time afterwards except for me. i'm sorry but i dont invite myself places. so i was left at home. again. i hate when certain people say they are going to do one thing but do another. i hate the lack of communication between everyone. i always seem to be on the end.
i have to let go of a lot of shit. its hard but i'm trying. i can't control other people. i can only control me. i know that thinking and feeling comes from being a codependent. i know i am a codependent. i have admitted that this part of my life is out of control as well. its very difficult to break. ive been caught up in that stress and anxiety, i didnt know how to give anything up. i do too much for certain people but i also rely on others too much. i cannot provide anyone with anything and noone can provide anything for me... not things that we need to help ourselves with. we can give and give until we fall apart but nothing will come out of it. i understand that part but am struggling to follow through. right now i feel at such ease and peace with everything. i wish i could feel like this all the time. its a high i've never felt before. control over myself and thats it. i'm only responsible for me. it blows my mind. i can't seem to keep up with it though. eventually itll fade and i'll start screaming at someone for something stupid or i'll worry myself sick. my mind just runs wild and my thinking drives me up a wall. i'm starting to get better control of it though and i'm happy i'm making progress.
went to the beach with sean and matt to meet their mom's side of the family. i wish lucy came with us. anyway, they are funny, i like them a lot. we went to seaside afterwards. walked the boardwalk like 5 times then came home. it was a good day. i like spending time with seans family.
my final exam is next week. i really need an A in this class.
i have a dentist appointment this afternoon. my wisdom teeth are coming in and i am uncertain if they are causing problems or not. sometimes they do, sometimes they dont. we will see if they have to come out or not.
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| its hard to say what it is i see in you, wonder if ill always be with you |
[19 Jun 2008|04:36pm] |
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mood |
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 hard to say |
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music |
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sister hazel - all for you |
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i still feel empty sometimes. a weird hollowness in the pit of my stomach. frustration, fear, exhaustion, anxiety, hurt, paranoia... fill a different part of me on a daily basis. i'm always left with that "nothing" feeling on top of it. i'm not depressed but its an awkward loneliness that is hard to describe.
i have maintained sobriety for over a month. my one month was actually on my sisters 18th birthday but i did not want to make a big deal out of it because, well-- it was her birthday. my family would have taken it as me being jealous because i wasn't "receiving any attention." this wasn't the case at all, mostly because i don't like the attention, but i'm not that type of person anyway. it just would've been an excuse for them to dismiss my triumph. after several previous attempts to talk to them them (anything on the topic of drugs) they shut me out. i've come to keep things to myself again and shut them out instead. two wrongs don't make a right but i am not going to waste my energy trying to talk to my parents when i need that energy to stay clean.
i'm still on step one and probably will be for a long time. i have admitted that my life is unmanageable and controllable but i have a hard time believing it all the time. i functioned well. i kept close to a 3.5 GPA, i efficiently completed all of my work for school and my job on time, and everything else just seemed to be fine. other than not physically being able to stop using, passing out, always being broke, and feeling guilty, i never really hit bottom. those should all be reason. i never really wanted to hit bottom and lose everything but maybe i needed to. losing my scholarship, losing sean, losing my family, getting kicked out, being fired... all of those things perhaps would have been better motivation. i don't want to lose those things at all but i'm just struggling trying to hold onto "i was lucky enough to catch myself now." liana's brothers are leaving for iraq today. i can't imagine what she is going through or the type of loss she is experiencing. both of them are going. i know i am lucky that i haven't lost anything major, out of my control or not. i just have trouble pinpointing what was so out of control with my life.
although i have been off heroin, i have been drinking on occasion. i am not sure if that ruins my one month of sobriety but i do not really count the alcohol. i haven't been getting completely wasted, no hard liquor, and i haven't been drinking alone. theres nothing wrong with drinking alone or getting fucked up but for me, personally, it is of some concern based on my previous bad behavior and poor judgment. part of me feels like that is just an excuse so i can say i'm only participating socially. why would you want to pass up free 40s of colt and a case of mikes? as far as i'm concerned, i'm doing well. i also thought so when i started doing drugs. now, however, i don't have to hide my drinking, its less expensive, and i can do it with a larger number of my friends. potential for another problem. being a little more experienced though, i will be able to recognize if things start to slip. i am having a good time and i enjoy being out of my house and with other people.
my summer class will be completed in two weeks. i'm pretty excited for that. my boss is out of the office today and tomorrow. i have n.o.t.h.i.n.g to do. my sisters graduation is friday. her present came in the mail this afternoon so i am going to leave work early and wrap it. then i am going to matts.
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[05 Jun 2008|03:01pm] |
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September - Cry for You |
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Today I was suppose to go to NY at 9AM for a Staffing Overview meeting. The whole HR department was there. School, unfortunately, comes first. If this wasn't Summer Session, I would have gone. Everything is crammed into such a short amount of time that missing one class would be critical. We were also reviewing for the first test so, I'm happy I went to class. I called my boss when I got into work and he said that everyone is asking about me. It makes me feel good to know that so many people want to meet me. We are going into the city together in July when I'm done school. He invited Sean to come also so he can get a tour, go to lunch with us, and meet Ronnie Milione. I actually saw Ronnie on Ghost Hunters last night. Really smart guy. I can't help but laugh when I look at him though. He is just goofy.
The guy who hooked me up with an S100 said we'd be even if I took him to lunch. I never did then my subscription ended and he hooked me up with my new one. I felt bad and swore I'd get him a card and put some cash in it but then I ran into money problems for obvious reasons and I never got around to it. He walked by my cube a second ago and said, "If I was holding my breath on that lunch, I'd be dead by now!" I know he was joking but he was nice enough to get me all this free shit and its been months on my end. I have to do something soon.
Sean asked me if I would go out with him. I didn't expect it at all. I said yes. My mom told my grandmother he broke up with me, then my grandmother told all of my aunts, who then thold their husbands and children. My entire family thinks we are broken up. I didnt want to tell them because I didn't know what was going to happen with Sean and I. Now that we are together, I feel weird saying that we are better. They just gossip and don't understand. A lot of people at my job know because no one knows how to keep their mouth shut. I cannot just explain what happened... they just don't know me like that so I try to avoid their judgment and rumor spreading as much as possible.
Sean and I kind of double dated with his brother and his bro's girl. They picked me up from work on Tuesday and we went to see Strangers. I was scared at first then, it was just whatever. It was kind of boring after a while and the ended sucked really bad. It was a nice time out though. Yesterday we all hung out at the apartment smoking and watching his friend play video games. I did my homework there and it was so nice to get out of my damn house.
I am happy that things are good now though.
I was just about to write "I'm happy that things are back to normal" but I realized that things are not back to normal. I don't know what normal is. I will never be the Liz I was before drugs. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to be. I would much rather start over and reinvent myself.
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[09 May 2008|01:08am] |
my mom's graduation was tonight at rider. the rain held off.
i saw my 5th grade lesbian teacher graduate, and i saw ms c too.
it was really nice. i screamed really loud for her. she deserved it.
i'll post pictures tomorrow.
i worked through lunch so i could leave work early. on my way home i stopped at cvs, picked up a congratulations balloon and music card. i also went to fedex to pick up her present. i got her a really nice scarf from coach. my order came out to over $150 so now i'm really broke if i wasn't enough before. i'm the only one who got her something. she really liked it so it was worth it. it was the least i could do. i hate that people are so lazy and don't want to spend money. i know times are tight but three dollars for a card is better than nothing. an "i love you" is fucking free but you can't even spare that.
this or next weekend i am getting my own phone plan. i'm staying with sprint.
i think i'm going to get the lg rumor. i don't know what color yet. i'm excited though.
we are going to have a fleet of chevy cobalts! and will park them side by side at tcnj.
i'm so beat. three 10 page papers due monday, tuesday, wednesday. on top of working. plus finals. i wanted to die. one take home final and two classes on monday then i'm done. i am going to nyc with jason either this wednesday or next. i'm going to meet everyone at 1221 and 5 penn. i'm most excited to meet with ronnie milione. http://beyondtheordinary.net/ronmilione.shtml -- thats ronnies website. we hired him a couple months ago. he is so cool. his resume was like 60 pages long.
going camping in two weeks. yuck. i hate camping. i am taking a summer math class when we get back from camping. the 27th. yuck. i hate math. my body is sore. i'm tired. i feel like a squirrel falling out of a tree.
i want to drink. i am craving a fucking beer. just one. please.
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[22 Apr 2008|11:14am] |
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nirvana - dumb |
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my first week is complete and i know that the worst is
over.
today, in katie's words,
i feel alive.
this is the first day
in a long time
that i feel real.
not high,
not desperate for money,
not stupid,
just me.
i listen to myself breath
and i blink slowly.
i actually realize how amazing the world is
sober
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[19 Mar 2008|11:17am] |
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happy |
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Aside from school and work being really busy, things have been going really really well. Although I wish the weather would be nicer for Spring Break, I am enjoying not having class.
Two weeks ago I got my third tattoo, this one being on the left side of my lower back. Its a little heart blossom design with a latin phrase next to it that translates to "live with stronger meaning." My mom knew I wanted to get the tattoo and she was fine with it so I went to get it and didn't tell her. A couple days after I got it she announced that she would rather me get a piercing instead of a tatoo. Ooops. Too late. I didn't say anything though because she would have cried... so instead, I took the opportunity to get a piercing.
I decided I wanted to get my nose pierced so last week, I did. My parents didn't mind but when they find out about the ink... hopefully not until summer, they will be upset. Anyway, it hurt really bad and I could feel the crunching when it went through. It was really awkward in a funny way. My nose started bleeding inside, she was stuffing cotton balls up there while making jokes. I can't imagine how weird it must be for her to do piercings in other... places. Every time I go in though, she's really nice to me and she knows a lot about tattoos and piercings, all which made me feel comfortable around her. Its healed up pretty good and I can't wait to buy new rings for it.
Sean is going to be getting a tattoo as soon as he decides what he wants. I'm excited for that to happen. He got his uniform from national guard and I started crying, mostly because it finally hit me that he is in the military and will be leaving this summer... but I aslo felt really damn proud. "Wow. That's my boyfriend. An Intelligence Analyst for the Army." I have a National Guard bumper sticker on my car and I know I will find myself wearing Army shirts other stuff.. especially Sean's tags. He will be gone for our two year anniversary and may miss my 20th birthday, and we may not get to spend any of the Holiday's together. In the end, I know everything will be worth the wait and time spent alone. When he is finally done with basic and job training, we are going to be very well off. Cheap military insurance, paid training, retirement plans, and tons of other benefits... plus he will even be able to get a job with CIA or FBI if he wants. Thats something he can't pass up and will benefit both of us in the future. Things like that make it easier for me to be supportive. I love him so much.
I got a Satellite Radio with home and car kit for my dad's birthday. He's been dropping hints for months and I know he really wants one. He's going to be so surprised.
I have been shopping for Sean's birthday as well. I can't wait!
Its nice to have spending money for clothes, tattoos, piercings, bday presents, and... other stuff.
I'm leaving for a long lunch break now.
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| SIRIUS Satellite Radio |
[19 Mar 2008|11:00am] |
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mood |
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 working |
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There is one particular internship offered in our Lawrenceville office that is for college students with marketing majors. Interviews are starting soon. There are other internships available, please check them out as they are all great opportunities.
Please let me know ASAP if you are interested in this and/or any other job/internship.
SIRIUS Satellite Radio
Summer 2008 Internship Program
( Read more... )
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[15 Feb 2008|10:36pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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i was hoping the snow would be more significant and i was disappointed when it wasn't. i threw up wednesday morning but i went to class anyway. i made sure i didn't eat anything just in case. getting ready to leave mercer, i thought i was going to get sick but the feeling passed. i went to work to book jason's flight, hotel, and rental car for his trip to detroit. i got sick at work. throwing up water is horrible. i drank a lot of water to stay hydrated but that didn't work to well being that it all came up. i was suprised to find how many people work really like me and care about me.
i have been feeling better since then.
valentines day was very good. sean and i had a really nice lunch together then we exchanged gifts.
sean got me this necklace! 1/2ct(tw) diamond, 10kt white gold. its so pretty and i love it! he has really good taste and he always picks out such nice things for me.
i got him a sporster5 satellite radio with a 1 year subscription. i wish i used my employee discount but i forgot. its so cool. i think i may get one for myself. it has a lot more features than mine. the background, text, and buttons change color, which is one of my favorite things about it. sean was suprised and he likes the radio a lot so i'm really happy that valentines day went so well<3
( Read more... )
TO ANYONE WHO GOES TO MERCER!!!!!!!!
DO WE HAVE CLASS ON MONDAY?!
my work is closed, ehs is closed, my moms school has off, the state has off and i have no idea if we are. none of my teachers said anything and i can't find it on the website. if you know, PLEASE tell me. thanks.
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[07 Feb 2008|09:48pm] |
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i woke up at 4:30am monday morning and puked my little guts out.
i don't know if i did too much or if i was just sick.
i had a fever, i was sweating a lot, and just felt horrible.
ever since monday, people have been telling me that i look ill, even if don't feel it. today, however, i feel it. and once again, i don't know if i did too much or if i am really sick. i feel like i am going to throw up. i hope i don't.
jason said, "liz, i'm proud of you. you dressed really nice today and you look very professional but you do not look well." his supervisors came to visit from new york. we put on "the dog and pony show," as jason calls it. next friday i get to go to new york if i want. i am not sure if i'm going to go.
i have to go now though. i am going to throw up. i can feel it. :(
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[01 Feb 2008|11:04am] |
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office buzz |
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Yesterday someone told me that I may have saved someone’s life.
( Read more... )
these past two days have been soooooo goood. i cannot wait to get out of work. and i cannot wait til tomorrow. i am mad about this rain. but i am so incredibly relaxed.
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| THAT SHIT! |
[30 Jan 2008|07:21pm] |
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 EXCITED! |
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TOMORROW!!
i cannot wait for tomorrow!
i am going to pee my pants!
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